Strength in Silence
4/12/2013
Disciplining a sensitive Super Hero is not an easy task. Frustration is close to the surface when you’re exhausted, afraid, confused or embarrassed by your child’s behavior. When adults get frustrated, myself included, sometimes voices are raised when blood boils.
We yell to get attention of those we’re yelling at, as if to try and physically force the sound waves into their ears! But what I must remind myself of is that the second my voice is raised, that’s the second my hero stops listening.
We tried yelling (as in scolding in a mean voice) in the beginning (before we had a clue) and noticed it had the opposite effect. Not only did Jake elope and cry but it caused a massive and physical meltdown. In our case, when we yell at Jake, the sensory input is way too much. He doesn’t know where to put, or better how to sort out all that input, so he wants to run.
Today’s talking point was recently driven home by the hero himself. We had a particularly rough morning this week and missed the school bus. I yelled in frustration and tried to suck it back in as soon as it crossed my lips. {Shit! Grrrr! Why do I do this? Get a grip woman, it’s not that big of a deal!}
On the way to school the car was silent. He was afraid to talk and I wasn’t sure I should apologize. There are times when people are going to yell in anger and he needs to learn to deal with that part of life.
After about 3 miles of mum, Jake informed me that he really wished I’d be more like his teachers who stay “really calm when I get upset. They never yell or make scary faces.”
Did I also mention that super heroes are also skilled with extreme precision when aiming that knife right into mommy’s heart and twisting?
So let’s talk about yelling.
Jake, what does yelling make you feel like?
Mad.
Does it feel good to yell?
Yes.
When you scream and yell does it make you feel good?
Because anytime something is wrong and I don’t like, I yell.
Does that fix it?
No it doesn’t. You have to stick with it man. (i almost cracked up with that comment)
What happens when other people near you yell?
It makes me uncomfortable and I want to cover my ears up.
Why do you think people yell?
Because they are irritated.
If they yell at you, what does that make you think?
Mad and hurts my ears.
What about when mommy and daddy yell?
Um. Well. I’m going to tell you this. Let’s talk about when you yell. Mad. It makes me scared, very scared.
Scared of what?
Scared that I’ll get in big trouble and you’ll call the police on me.
What if we were yelling to say, “Come and eat?”
Yes. I still feel scared and I don’t like it. I want to elope to my room or hide in mom’s room.
Does a raised voice hurt your head?
I can hear it in my ears.
Is it painful?
Yes. Very. My eyes want to go shut too, so I want to go in my room.
When people yell, do understand what they are saying?
No.
What do you understand from people yelling at you?
Nothing, I just want to cover my ears.
So is it confusing when people yell?
Yes.
Does anything else about yelling bother you?
Yes.
What?
The unhappy faces. Scary faces make me nervous and upset.
So when you cry about getting yelled at, is it because you feel badly or because you’re scared?
Because I feel bad about making mommy upset and I’m really scared.
So when the dog barks and you yell… what do you think Sam thinks?
Annoyed and scared too.
So do you think it helps fix the problem to yell?
Sometimes I yell to get their attention.
What’s the best way to communicate with a super hero?
In a gentle voice. Not like a voice like Spongebob. Low and soft.
When’s the last time mommy and daddy yelled at you? I mean really screamed at you?
A long time ago. I don’t even remember.
Whew. Escaped clean on this one.
Your takeaway: Next time you’re about to explode, take 10 seconds to cool, then give your command and direction in a curt whisper, close to the ear so there’s no confusing facial expression to mess up the message. It totally works! I call it sanity preservation.
4/12/2013
Disciplining a sensitive Super Hero is not an easy task. Frustration is close to the surface when you’re exhausted, afraid, confused or embarrassed by your child’s behavior. When adults get frustrated, myself included, sometimes voices are raised when blood boils.
We yell to get attention of those we’re yelling at, as if to try and physically force the sound waves into their ears! But what I must remind myself of is that the second my voice is raised, that’s the second my hero stops listening.
We tried yelling (as in scolding in a mean voice) in the beginning (before we had a clue) and noticed it had the opposite effect. Not only did Jake elope and cry but it caused a massive and physical meltdown. In our case, when we yell at Jake, the sensory input is way too much. He doesn’t know where to put, or better how to sort out all that input, so he wants to run.
Today’s talking point was recently driven home by the hero himself. We had a particularly rough morning this week and missed the school bus. I yelled in frustration and tried to suck it back in as soon as it crossed my lips. {Shit! Grrrr! Why do I do this? Get a grip woman, it’s not that big of a deal!}
On the way to school the car was silent. He was afraid to talk and I wasn’t sure I should apologize. There are times when people are going to yell in anger and he needs to learn to deal with that part of life.
After about 3 miles of mum, Jake informed me that he really wished I’d be more like his teachers who stay “really calm when I get upset. They never yell or make scary faces.”
Did I also mention that super heroes are also skilled with extreme precision when aiming that knife right into mommy’s heart and twisting?
So let’s talk about yelling.
Jake, what does yelling make you feel like?
Mad.
Does it feel good to yell?
Yes.
When you scream and yell does it make you feel good?
Because anytime something is wrong and I don’t like, I yell.
Does that fix it?
No it doesn’t. You have to stick with it man. (i almost cracked up with that comment)
What happens when other people near you yell?
It makes me uncomfortable and I want to cover my ears up.
Why do you think people yell?
Because they are irritated.
If they yell at you, what does that make you think?
Mad and hurts my ears.
What about when mommy and daddy yell?
Um. Well. I’m going to tell you this. Let’s talk about when you yell. Mad. It makes me scared, very scared.
Scared of what?
Scared that I’ll get in big trouble and you’ll call the police on me.
What if we were yelling to say, “Come and eat?”
Yes. I still feel scared and I don’t like it. I want to elope to my room or hide in mom’s room.
Does a raised voice hurt your head?
I can hear it in my ears.
Is it painful?
Yes. Very. My eyes want to go shut too, so I want to go in my room.
When people yell, do understand what they are saying?
No.
What do you understand from people yelling at you?
Nothing, I just want to cover my ears.
So is it confusing when people yell?
Yes.
Does anything else about yelling bother you?
Yes.
What?
The unhappy faces. Scary faces make me nervous and upset.
So when you cry about getting yelled at, is it because you feel badly or because you’re scared?
Because I feel bad about making mommy upset and I’m really scared.
So when the dog barks and you yell… what do you think Sam thinks?
Annoyed and scared too.
So do you think it helps fix the problem to yell?
Sometimes I yell to get their attention.
What’s the best way to communicate with a super hero?
In a gentle voice. Not like a voice like Spongebob. Low and soft.
When’s the last time mommy and daddy yelled at you? I mean really screamed at you?
A long time ago. I don’t even remember.
Whew. Escaped clean on this one.
Your takeaway: Next time you’re about to explode, take 10 seconds to cool, then give your command and direction in a curt whisper, close to the ear so there’s no confusing facial expression to mess up the message. It totally works! I call it sanity preservation.