Race Relations (4)
Saving Race
4/29/15
I sit.
I eat chocolate, too much.
I drink wine.
I cry during the news but can't read the paper.
I sleep, not well.
I fear, but hold on to hope.
I replay the recording in my head from the day we met with the adoption agency and said we didn't care what color kid we were wanting to adopt. “Your son could have African American features, are you prepared to raise an African American child?”
Chris and I eagerly nodded our heads yes. Perched excitedly on the edges of our chairs, we never imagined the journey we were about to begin. We didn't care what color our child would be, but we now know that many other people do!
I sit.
I look at the news but can't turn away.
I am confused and scared.
I am raising a black man who has more initials behind his name than most decorated doctors. His behaviors are impulsive, sometimes aggressive, and seemingly aloof. Autism is just a small part of Jake's challenges. These days his skin color seems to be the bigger issue.
I sit.
I'm crying now.
How can we protect him?
Will he be safe?
We know when he's scared he can't think. It doesn't take much to scare a person with autism. A sideways glance could “do it” for Jake. Then he won't talk. If yelled at, he'll lash out. If ignored, he'll get physical. Yes, these things will change with maturity, but who knows if they'll change for the better? He's growing leaps and bounds, but there are some things that are part of his fiber!
I wonder.
I'm still scared.
Many urge me not to get too far into the future. “Things will change.”
Jake has an uphill climb but is stronger than most adults I know. I don't want to be the person to tell him that some people won't like him because he's brown... nor do I want to tell him that others (he desperately wants to accept him) won't because he's not brown-enough.
He's proud of his Autism.
He loves being brown.
He knows he's beautiful.
Jake's truth: Brown people are awesome! He loves them and tries harder to impress them than anyone else. Even his parents!! He desperately wants to be acknowledged as a strong African American, like the role models we set before him; President Obama, Martin Luther King, Desmond Tutu, Rosa Parks, various athletes and public figures. We all believe he too can be an African American making a positive difference in the world.
We order magazines which target the African American population. We read stories of African American history. We try to work our way into the culture as often as we can. We found a pediatrician, psychologist, psychiatrist, and many friends willing to be positive role models for Jake. But will that be enough when he catches a glimpse of the television?
“Why are those brown people so mad?”
“Why are they throwing things at police?”
“Did they not get their way?”
Chris and I answer the questions and do our best to protect him from the awfulness and ugliness of racism. He needs to be aware but “how” aware. We stress that all people are just people in God's eyes and must behave in a respectful manner. We are supposed to love everyone and be nice. God's rules.
Our truth: We are raising a black man in a life of what “they” call “White Privilege”. He is what we refer to as "beautiful-brown" but maybe not dark enough to be accepted by the race he so desperately wants to identify with. His parents are both blue-eyed midwesterners learning as much as we can as we go along from friends, doctors, therapists and relatives.
Friends try to reassure me that racism doesn't exist in “this educated area we live.” We may live in one of the most educated areas of the country, but I don't need to tell you the dichotomy which we live, it's playing out on newscasts around the globe.
Our plans to “save the life” of child who needed us 12 years ago didn't end when the judge signed the papers. I believed we could save him once, but the reality is we will always be working to “save the life of this child” for the rest of his years.
I could not be more proud to be the mom of this black man. He is strong, smart, sensitive, faithful, compassionate and hopeful. We believe he might just be the next African American to change the world and we are working towards that!
Raising a Blended Family
December 2012
You'd think that in the years 2000 and beyond we, as a country, would have moved past what we call hatred racism. Skin color had never really crossed my mind until we adopted a bi-racial child.
We've discovered there are two types of racism: hatred racism and ignorance racism. We find ignorance racism when we're in areas of the country where the population doesn't stray much outside one hue... this happens in white communities, black communities, yellow communities and tan! trust me. Many people have never seen a blended family nor can they understand it. Others have just never come across anyone of a different race.
Hatred racism is everywhere, still today, even if you wish to not see it. These are the folks who have no problem voicing their opinions to our faces about our family. We have been shocked by comments but refuse to dwell in the negative or history.
We saved Jake's life by adopting him! We cherish him and delight in his development and happiness everyday.
4/29/15
I sit.
I eat chocolate, too much.
I drink wine.
I cry during the news but can't read the paper.
I sleep, not well.
I fear, but hold on to hope.
I replay the recording in my head from the day we met with the adoption agency and said we didn't care what color kid we were wanting to adopt. “Your son could have African American features, are you prepared to raise an African American child?”
Chris and I eagerly nodded our heads yes. Perched excitedly on the edges of our chairs, we never imagined the journey we were about to begin. We didn't care what color our child would be, but we now know that many other people do!
I sit.
I look at the news but can't turn away.
I am confused and scared.
I am raising a black man who has more initials behind his name than most decorated doctors. His behaviors are impulsive, sometimes aggressive, and seemingly aloof. Autism is just a small part of Jake's challenges. These days his skin color seems to be the bigger issue.
I sit.
I'm crying now.
How can we protect him?
Will he be safe?
We know when he's scared he can't think. It doesn't take much to scare a person with autism. A sideways glance could “do it” for Jake. Then he won't talk. If yelled at, he'll lash out. If ignored, he'll get physical. Yes, these things will change with maturity, but who knows if they'll change for the better? He's growing leaps and bounds, but there are some things that are part of his fiber!
I wonder.
I'm still scared.
Many urge me not to get too far into the future. “Things will change.”
Jake has an uphill climb but is stronger than most adults I know. I don't want to be the person to tell him that some people won't like him because he's brown... nor do I want to tell him that others (he desperately wants to accept him) won't because he's not brown-enough.
He's proud of his Autism.
He loves being brown.
He knows he's beautiful.
Jake's truth: Brown people are awesome! He loves them and tries harder to impress them than anyone else. Even his parents!! He desperately wants to be acknowledged as a strong African American, like the role models we set before him; President Obama, Martin Luther King, Desmond Tutu, Rosa Parks, various athletes and public figures. We all believe he too can be an African American making a positive difference in the world.
We order magazines which target the African American population. We read stories of African American history. We try to work our way into the culture as often as we can. We found a pediatrician, psychologist, psychiatrist, and many friends willing to be positive role models for Jake. But will that be enough when he catches a glimpse of the television?
“Why are those brown people so mad?”
“Why are they throwing things at police?”
“Did they not get their way?”
Chris and I answer the questions and do our best to protect him from the awfulness and ugliness of racism. He needs to be aware but “how” aware. We stress that all people are just people in God's eyes and must behave in a respectful manner. We are supposed to love everyone and be nice. God's rules.
Our truth: We are raising a black man in a life of what “they” call “White Privilege”. He is what we refer to as "beautiful-brown" but maybe not dark enough to be accepted by the race he so desperately wants to identify with. His parents are both blue-eyed midwesterners learning as much as we can as we go along from friends, doctors, therapists and relatives.
Friends try to reassure me that racism doesn't exist in “this educated area we live.” We may live in one of the most educated areas of the country, but I don't need to tell you the dichotomy which we live, it's playing out on newscasts around the globe.
Our plans to “save the life” of child who needed us 12 years ago didn't end when the judge signed the papers. I believed we could save him once, but the reality is we will always be working to “save the life of this child” for the rest of his years.
I could not be more proud to be the mom of this black man. He is strong, smart, sensitive, faithful, compassionate and hopeful. We believe he might just be the next African American to change the world and we are working towards that!
Raising a Blended Family
December 2012
You'd think that in the years 2000 and beyond we, as a country, would have moved past what we call hatred racism. Skin color had never really crossed my mind until we adopted a bi-racial child.
We've discovered there are two types of racism: hatred racism and ignorance racism. We find ignorance racism when we're in areas of the country where the population doesn't stray much outside one hue... this happens in white communities, black communities, yellow communities and tan! trust me. Many people have never seen a blended family nor can they understand it. Others have just never come across anyone of a different race.
Hatred racism is everywhere, still today, even if you wish to not see it. These are the folks who have no problem voicing their opinions to our faces about our family. We have been shocked by comments but refuse to dwell in the negative or history.
We saved Jake's life by adopting him! We cherish him and delight in his development and happiness everyday.
----------------------------------------
Chocolate Cravings
January 17, 2012
From the beginning of Jake’s time with us we’ve been very careful NOT to describe others by the color of their skin. People are tall, boys, girls, short, dark haired etc…
It’s been hard, we’ve received look after strange look, comment after rude comment and advice beyond our belief about being a white couple with a chocolate child. I like to say we’re a living social studies experiment, approaching a new chapter.
We were bonded with a very multi-racial church from our first moments living near our nation’s Capital and vowed to raise any kiddo to be color blind but respecting other cultures. So far so good, mostly.
Lately, Jake has become acutely aware of all the different skin tones, not only aware but obsessed with different people, he’s starting to create some uncomfortable situations. He’ll insert himself into any situation, inappropriately or not, with reckless abandon, if there’s a person with dark skin involved.
A darker-skinned Hispanic woman walked into church during the end of our Mass and he said in his not-so-quiet voice while pointing 2” from her face, “Are you a Spanish, do you speak Spanish? That’s a Spanish lady. I love Spanish people!”
I’ve always thought that he was drawn to folks with darker skin tones because they sort of ‘look like’ him. I don’t know if it’s that simple, I kind of hope it is. He has no idea of the tension between races long ago, but sure does love Martin Luther King, Jr. (duh he’s brown). We’ve been lucky enough to avoid the slavery story so far. But he’s keen and tension between some races still exists, whether you want to admit it or not.
We see it in the nods, head shakes and puzzled looks when we venture out someplace new. But to compound that problem, Jake will boldly approach any friend with darker skin and introduce himself. He will skip what he calls “vanilla” folks and go right for the “chocolate”. (Indian, African American, Haitian, etc…. )
It’s really hard to explain to unsuspecting strangers that he really just loves brown people and wants to say “hi” when they’re not so sure about us to begin with.
A poor man at the Taco Bell was his most recent target, if you will. Jake saw him enter while at the counter waiting for his food. Twenty other people of all nationalities had to be in the store, but this nice brown man walked in and Jake’s radar went off. While the man is getting soda, Super Hero Jake is waving wildly in his direction saying, “hi, hi, how’s it going?”
The dude did a fine job of completely ignoring him, but he didn’t realize who he was NOT paying attention to. That’s one of Jake’s huge buttons, if he’s ignored, he redoubles his efforts until he‘s acknowledged. So once we finished eating, we’re leaving the restaurant and the nice man is still seated right by the door.
(I’m thinking crap, there’s no escaping him now. Jake is thinking, JACKPOT he’s sitting still!)
Jake went right up to his table, “Hi, how you doing? What’s your name?”
At this point there is nothing I can do to stop him. He’s all in. The man put his food down, wiped his hands and told Jake his name while extending his hand. I coached Jake to shake his hand and tell him his name.
“My name is Jake… it’s nice to meet you.”
After spotting the Home Depot logo on the man’s jacket, Jake exclaimed, “I LOVE Home Depot. Do you work at the Home Depot?”
“It’s right over there,” the man said pointing across the parking lot.
Now I’m coaxing Jake to let the customer finish his food and head to the car. Once out the door Jake is jumping up and down with glee in the parking lot, giggling, laughing and smelling his hand.
“I LOVE THAT BROWN MAN!”
If this happened just once in a while I’d be okay to redirect, but as I said it’s an obsession. We attend a great sports class on the weekends where each kid is paired up with a buddy (young professional or college student in the sped field) and they play various games/activities for the 90 minutes.
We were late this weekend and I could feel his tension rising before we were even in the car to go.
“We have to hurry mom or none of the good brown coaches will be left to play with me!”
You get a coach when you arrive and it’s a different person each week. I warned the organizers of our latest obsession but before I was finished talking he had charged into the gym and scooped up the first brown man he saw. The poor guy wasn’t even there to coach, but he was now.
It’s a strong magnetism we’re discovering and for the first time, no one has a way for us to deal with it. Do we need to modify his behavior? How do I write a social story for this when we have tried for so long to expose him to people of all cultures? I don’t want to single out certain ‘races’ for him to talk to, we just need to fine tune our approach. I think? He does need to stop screaming, “there’s lots of brown people here, I love this place!” however.
What we do know is this: he’s doing exactly what MLK Jr. would have wanted. Jake is opening conversations with people of all cultures. (That is a miracle right there, remember the Autism?)
He doesn’t realize it yet, but he’s bridging brown, white, tan, yellow and beige people together. We’re seeing a compassionate and caring side of people once they succumb to Jake’s Super Powers. We would have never experienced so blatantly if we didn’t have Jake.
He’s working towards MLK’s dream: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”
MLK Jr. Aug 28, 1963
Chocolate Cravings
January 17, 2012
From the beginning of Jake’s time with us we’ve been very careful NOT to describe others by the color of their skin. People are tall, boys, girls, short, dark haired etc…
It’s been hard, we’ve received look after strange look, comment after rude comment and advice beyond our belief about being a white couple with a chocolate child. I like to say we’re a living social studies experiment, approaching a new chapter.
We were bonded with a very multi-racial church from our first moments living near our nation’s Capital and vowed to raise any kiddo to be color blind but respecting other cultures. So far so good, mostly.
Lately, Jake has become acutely aware of all the different skin tones, not only aware but obsessed with different people, he’s starting to create some uncomfortable situations. He’ll insert himself into any situation, inappropriately or not, with reckless abandon, if there’s a person with dark skin involved.
A darker-skinned Hispanic woman walked into church during the end of our Mass and he said in his not-so-quiet voice while pointing 2” from her face, “Are you a Spanish, do you speak Spanish? That’s a Spanish lady. I love Spanish people!”
I’ve always thought that he was drawn to folks with darker skin tones because they sort of ‘look like’ him. I don’t know if it’s that simple, I kind of hope it is. He has no idea of the tension between races long ago, but sure does love Martin Luther King, Jr. (duh he’s brown). We’ve been lucky enough to avoid the slavery story so far. But he’s keen and tension between some races still exists, whether you want to admit it or not.
We see it in the nods, head shakes and puzzled looks when we venture out someplace new. But to compound that problem, Jake will boldly approach any friend with darker skin and introduce himself. He will skip what he calls “vanilla” folks and go right for the “chocolate”. (Indian, African American, Haitian, etc…. )
It’s really hard to explain to unsuspecting strangers that he really just loves brown people and wants to say “hi” when they’re not so sure about us to begin with.
A poor man at the Taco Bell was his most recent target, if you will. Jake saw him enter while at the counter waiting for his food. Twenty other people of all nationalities had to be in the store, but this nice brown man walked in and Jake’s radar went off. While the man is getting soda, Super Hero Jake is waving wildly in his direction saying, “hi, hi, how’s it going?”
The dude did a fine job of completely ignoring him, but he didn’t realize who he was NOT paying attention to. That’s one of Jake’s huge buttons, if he’s ignored, he redoubles his efforts until he‘s acknowledged. So once we finished eating, we’re leaving the restaurant and the nice man is still seated right by the door.
(I’m thinking crap, there’s no escaping him now. Jake is thinking, JACKPOT he’s sitting still!)
Jake went right up to his table, “Hi, how you doing? What’s your name?”
At this point there is nothing I can do to stop him. He’s all in. The man put his food down, wiped his hands and told Jake his name while extending his hand. I coached Jake to shake his hand and tell him his name.
“My name is Jake… it’s nice to meet you.”
After spotting the Home Depot logo on the man’s jacket, Jake exclaimed, “I LOVE Home Depot. Do you work at the Home Depot?”
“It’s right over there,” the man said pointing across the parking lot.
Now I’m coaxing Jake to let the customer finish his food and head to the car. Once out the door Jake is jumping up and down with glee in the parking lot, giggling, laughing and smelling his hand.
“I LOVE THAT BROWN MAN!”
If this happened just once in a while I’d be okay to redirect, but as I said it’s an obsession. We attend a great sports class on the weekends where each kid is paired up with a buddy (young professional or college student in the sped field) and they play various games/activities for the 90 minutes.
We were late this weekend and I could feel his tension rising before we were even in the car to go.
“We have to hurry mom or none of the good brown coaches will be left to play with me!”
You get a coach when you arrive and it’s a different person each week. I warned the organizers of our latest obsession but before I was finished talking he had charged into the gym and scooped up the first brown man he saw. The poor guy wasn’t even there to coach, but he was now.
It’s a strong magnetism we’re discovering and for the first time, no one has a way for us to deal with it. Do we need to modify his behavior? How do I write a social story for this when we have tried for so long to expose him to people of all cultures? I don’t want to single out certain ‘races’ for him to talk to, we just need to fine tune our approach. I think? He does need to stop screaming, “there’s lots of brown people here, I love this place!” however.
What we do know is this: he’s doing exactly what MLK Jr. would have wanted. Jake is opening conversations with people of all cultures. (That is a miracle right there, remember the Autism?)
He doesn’t realize it yet, but he’s bridging brown, white, tan, yellow and beige people together. We’re seeing a compassionate and caring side of people once they succumb to Jake’s Super Powers. We would have never experienced so blatantly if we didn’t have Jake.
He’s working towards MLK’s dream: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”
MLK Jr. Aug 28, 1963
--------------------------------------------------------
Racism Through the Eyes of Autism
June 12, 2011
I remember having the conversation with our social workers before Jake even came along, that having a child with “African American features” can be very difficult for a white couple. Chris and I believed we were prepared to handle this, didn’t see the difference between black and white babies, had no idea what our future held. Neither one of us expected our lives to become a real-life social studies experiment, but it has.
Chris and I have surrounded ourselves with friends of all cultures, not by choice, just how it is living in many states and landing in the nation's capital. Our neighborhood is beautifully diverse, school is mixed and our friends/family are gay-straight and every color of the rainbow.
We struggle daily with how to raise our Super hero to be a color-blind child of God, but when comments are made in front of Jake about how we should be fixing his hair, what lotions I should use on his skin, and how a young black man ‘should’ behave, we feel challenged to protect him from the critiques of his own culture.
We’ve learned through experience that by having a brown child, many women of color don’t approve. Without knowing ‘how’ we built our family, when Jake and I are together, they assume I married an African American man and that is frowned upon by some. Dark men, by the way, love me and Jake, also assuming my husband is brown. On the other hand, African American women love Chris when he’s alone with Jake; they believe he had the good sense to marry a brown woman!!!
This story could end here, but complicating things is Jake’s view. While he’s emersed in a white home, he is innately drawn to, attracted to and seeking approval from people that “look like Jake.” We haven't taught him this, it just IS. I find myself working extra hard to help him win this approval, for whatever reason. Right or wrong, I have even positioned my body to block the disapproving glares, whether they’re for his behavior or the skin color of his parents.
Friends don’t understand why we drive many miles to attend church. There are plenty of churches near our neighborhood, what’s wrong with them? Nothing is ‘wrong’ with them, the suburban atmosphere is just very different and we seek opportunities to experience ALL cultures of the world. Yes, world, not just Africa. Our DC church has a fabulous mix of 62 nationalities and numerous mixed-race families. Jake needs to see that blended families are all around us, are beautiful and God-made.
Some weekends we drive 100 miles round-trip to a fully African American church in Baltimore, the priest there baptized Jake in DC. Many times I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Is trying to expose Jake to his African culture a type of reverse-racism? And are my efforts back-firing? “I love all these brown people,” he declares while waving his hand in a grand sweeping motion pointing in all directions. He’s so happy there; I relax.
Our Super Hero is acutely aware of all people and their expressions. That’s one of his very-non-Autistic attributes aka: super powers. He studies people and memorizes mannerisms. But now also sees disapproval and it upsets him.
Here’s an example: Most recently, in church, Jake was so excited for the sign of peace, (another unusual trait of children with Autism) he charged right past a woman at the end of our pew after barely shaking her hand. His eyes were on a cluster of folks across the aisle that smiled and waved at him earlier. She looked at him with a glare, then her critical eyes shifted to me as she said, “teach that child some manners, like to say ‘excuse me’!” Speechless. Yes we’re in church.
After shaking a million hands during ‘peace’ Jake returned and excitedly announced he made several new friends. He then added, “I don’t like brown ladies at this church anymore, they look bad at me.” These comments rip my heart out as a mom, but more importantly I don’t want him to feel rejected by those that “look like Jake.” His view of the world around him is pure and he doesn’t know hatred. So when he gets “the look”, as we call it, a little of the purity is lost.
A conversation with Jake outlines a recent perception of his that I didn't even know happened until many days after. He sees, thinks, then asks.
J: Do all brown mans like loud music?
M: No. Why do you say that?
J: When there’s loud music in the cars on the road, it’s brown man’s driving.
M: I think everyone likes loud music sometimes and brown mans are more appropriately called African Americans.
J: Oh. African Americans?
M: Yup, you’re a brown man. You’re African American.
J: I am? (interesting misperception isn’t it?)
M: Yes, when God made you he took a little bit of a brown man from African and a little bit of a white woman like mommy from America and put them together. You’re the best of both worlds… African and American.
J: Where’s the white part?
He’s asked about the color of his birthmother and if he’ll have blue eyes like mommy when he gets older. He has approached friends to ask what color their parents are and pulled up his tall socks "to cover-up the brown." This saddens me.
Self-image is so important for all kids, but especially a challenged child in a mixed-race home. I think he has a steeper hill to climb and acceptance on all levels is key. Unfortunately, some see Jake as the product of a too-lenient white family, never seeing the disability he's working against just to communicate.
When we were in the midst of adopting another African American child, I was told right out by his foster mother that, “you can’t raise a black child, you’re too soft. He needs to be with a black family.” I asked her to explain this while running through the laundry list of behavior management training/experience in our repertoire. She outlined a manner of discipline that most would get arrested for, but "that’s how to raise a black child, so they know who’s in control." I always thought, when parents got to that boiling point, they’re the ones who have lost control. I explained to this foster mother, that we don’t believe in putting our hands on a child and was promptly laughed at and dismissed.
So while we fill our home with African art, seek out African American role models, try foods from all different cultures, and make friends of every color, we just hope and pray that Jake keeps his ability to be truly color-blind. Being blind to skin color is a Godly trait we ALL need to strive for.
The Negro is the child of two cultures - Africa and America. The problem is that in the search for wholeness all too many Negroes seek to embrace only one side of their natures. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, 1967
We have learned to fly the air like birds and swim the sea like fish, but we have not learned the simple art of living together as brothers. Our abundance has brought us neither peace of mind nor serenity of spirit. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength to Love, 1963
I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
- Abraham Lincoln
Racism Through the Eyes of Autism
June 12, 2011
I remember having the conversation with our social workers before Jake even came along, that having a child with “African American features” can be very difficult for a white couple. Chris and I believed we were prepared to handle this, didn’t see the difference between black and white babies, had no idea what our future held. Neither one of us expected our lives to become a real-life social studies experiment, but it has.
Chris and I have surrounded ourselves with friends of all cultures, not by choice, just how it is living in many states and landing in the nation's capital. Our neighborhood is beautifully diverse, school is mixed and our friends/family are gay-straight and every color of the rainbow.
We struggle daily with how to raise our Super hero to be a color-blind child of God, but when comments are made in front of Jake about how we should be fixing his hair, what lotions I should use on his skin, and how a young black man ‘should’ behave, we feel challenged to protect him from the critiques of his own culture.
We’ve learned through experience that by having a brown child, many women of color don’t approve. Without knowing ‘how’ we built our family, when Jake and I are together, they assume I married an African American man and that is frowned upon by some. Dark men, by the way, love me and Jake, also assuming my husband is brown. On the other hand, African American women love Chris when he’s alone with Jake; they believe he had the good sense to marry a brown woman!!!
This story could end here, but complicating things is Jake’s view. While he’s emersed in a white home, he is innately drawn to, attracted to and seeking approval from people that “look like Jake.” We haven't taught him this, it just IS. I find myself working extra hard to help him win this approval, for whatever reason. Right or wrong, I have even positioned my body to block the disapproving glares, whether they’re for his behavior or the skin color of his parents.
Friends don’t understand why we drive many miles to attend church. There are plenty of churches near our neighborhood, what’s wrong with them? Nothing is ‘wrong’ with them, the suburban atmosphere is just very different and we seek opportunities to experience ALL cultures of the world. Yes, world, not just Africa. Our DC church has a fabulous mix of 62 nationalities and numerous mixed-race families. Jake needs to see that blended families are all around us, are beautiful and God-made.
Some weekends we drive 100 miles round-trip to a fully African American church in Baltimore, the priest there baptized Jake in DC. Many times I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Is trying to expose Jake to his African culture a type of reverse-racism? And are my efforts back-firing? “I love all these brown people,” he declares while waving his hand in a grand sweeping motion pointing in all directions. He’s so happy there; I relax.
Our Super Hero is acutely aware of all people and their expressions. That’s one of his very-non-Autistic attributes aka: super powers. He studies people and memorizes mannerisms. But now also sees disapproval and it upsets him.
Here’s an example: Most recently, in church, Jake was so excited for the sign of peace, (another unusual trait of children with Autism) he charged right past a woman at the end of our pew after barely shaking her hand. His eyes were on a cluster of folks across the aisle that smiled and waved at him earlier. She looked at him with a glare, then her critical eyes shifted to me as she said, “teach that child some manners, like to say ‘excuse me’!” Speechless. Yes we’re in church.
After shaking a million hands during ‘peace’ Jake returned and excitedly announced he made several new friends. He then added, “I don’t like brown ladies at this church anymore, they look bad at me.” These comments rip my heart out as a mom, but more importantly I don’t want him to feel rejected by those that “look like Jake.” His view of the world around him is pure and he doesn’t know hatred. So when he gets “the look”, as we call it, a little of the purity is lost.
A conversation with Jake outlines a recent perception of his that I didn't even know happened until many days after. He sees, thinks, then asks.
J: Do all brown mans like loud music?
M: No. Why do you say that?
J: When there’s loud music in the cars on the road, it’s brown man’s driving.
M: I think everyone likes loud music sometimes and brown mans are more appropriately called African Americans.
J: Oh. African Americans?
M: Yup, you’re a brown man. You’re African American.
J: I am? (interesting misperception isn’t it?)
M: Yes, when God made you he took a little bit of a brown man from African and a little bit of a white woman like mommy from America and put them together. You’re the best of both worlds… African and American.
J: Where’s the white part?
He’s asked about the color of his birthmother and if he’ll have blue eyes like mommy when he gets older. He has approached friends to ask what color their parents are and pulled up his tall socks "to cover-up the brown." This saddens me.
Self-image is so important for all kids, but especially a challenged child in a mixed-race home. I think he has a steeper hill to climb and acceptance on all levels is key. Unfortunately, some see Jake as the product of a too-lenient white family, never seeing the disability he's working against just to communicate.
When we were in the midst of adopting another African American child, I was told right out by his foster mother that, “you can’t raise a black child, you’re too soft. He needs to be with a black family.” I asked her to explain this while running through the laundry list of behavior management training/experience in our repertoire. She outlined a manner of discipline that most would get arrested for, but "that’s how to raise a black child, so they know who’s in control." I always thought, when parents got to that boiling point, they’re the ones who have lost control. I explained to this foster mother, that we don’t believe in putting our hands on a child and was promptly laughed at and dismissed.
So while we fill our home with African art, seek out African American role models, try foods from all different cultures, and make friends of every color, we just hope and pray that Jake keeps his ability to be truly color-blind. Being blind to skin color is a Godly trait we ALL need to strive for.
The Negro is the child of two cultures - Africa and America. The problem is that in the search for wholeness all too many Negroes seek to embrace only one side of their natures. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, 1967
We have learned to fly the air like birds and swim the sea like fish, but we have not learned the simple art of living together as brothers. Our abundance has brought us neither peace of mind nor serenity of spirit. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength to Love, 1963
I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
- Abraham Lincoln